So Star Wars the Last Jedi opens this week. I’ll go see it, I almost feel obligated as a life long fan. I wish though that they would have never made any movies post Return of the Jedi. We got the end of the war, the Empire was defeated and Darth Vader was redeemed. Alas, no we got a prequel series that ruins all previous ideas about young Vader and Obi-Wan you had on your bedroom floor as a child playing with Kenner action figures. Obi-Wan referred to Anakin as a good friend and hero and all that. However he’s essentially just a child murdering cry ass and tossing the Emperor down a power shaft could never make up for.
What about Han Solo? If you read any of the gazzilion Expanded Universe novels we see that even after the Empire was defeated our heroes were still in a near constant state of war for the rest of their lives. Although they did have some successes and families to love. The Expanded Universe was washed away when Disney bought Lucasfilm. We know from 2015’s The Force Awakens that the heroes lives are much worse than the novels could have imagined. Princess Leia and Han Solo do stay together for awhile in some detail, I say some detail because Star Wars isn’t really big on details, and they have a son. They do not have a son that marvels on the heroes of the Rebel Alliance but he wants to be a child killer like his Grandpa Darth Vader. So he murders his Uncle Luke’s Jedi Hogwarts and here we go. Spoilers………………………….. Soon he murders his dad. Han Fucking “I made the Kessel run in 12 parsecs” Solo.
Did I tell you that Luke Skywalker has lived alone in exile for close to 30 years? Alone and full of regret. Didn’t see that Coming after the Ewok celebration. Let’s just take a moment to realize why Star Wars is Hell.
Han Solo- murdered by his son for trying to hug him.
Darth Vader- Everyone he loves is dead and he killed children
Yoda- Wise and Blessed soul who gets to hide out in a mud hut by a swamp for his retirement and impending death.
Obi-Wan Kenobi- Wise and brave fellow who was betrayed and eventually killed by his best friend.
Rogue One Cast- Let us do what you are afraid of and get murdered to fuck for doing it.
Boba Fett- Looked cool AF. Died in a sand mouth.
All those Planets- Blown up by bigger and bigger space stations.
Captan Phasma- She’s a bad ass played by a great actress Gwendolyn Christie who gets shoved in the trash.
Princess Leia- Family all dead except murdering ass son. Watched her planet be destroyed. Fought a war her whole life. Was played by Carrie Fisher whose own personal life was apparently fairly challenging.
So in closing, maybe just leave this car fire of a fantasy world alone and let Corporate Monster Disney have their way in a back alley with it and pick up Macbeth. It’s just as dark but with a lesson and purpose.