This story makes Jingle All The Way look like a cakewalk.

Hello people of the Internet, Jordan again with another post. Since I totally slacked last week, I’m here to keep my promise. Prepare for a pretty wild story about flaming cars and 2 and 1/2 hour tow truck rides. Buckle up kiddos.

Let’s get this point across before I begin. If you know me, I’m a VERY anxious person. I’m not good with intense situations, so even beginning to write about this has me feeling uneasy. Anyway, here goes.

About 3 weeks ago, I was asked by a good friend of mine, Katie, if I would tag along with her as she went on this shopping trip with some of her family. She told me that she didn’t want to end up doing it alone, since everybody disperses into opposite directions once they get to the outlet mall. Being the nice guy I am, I said I would go. So, I woke up at 7am on a Saturday morning (which is hell by the way), drove to her house, and we all left around 8:30. 13 people, including 12 women, and me, scattered about in three different cars. Testosterone levels were at a very, very low level.

The car I was assigned to included me, Katie, her sister, and her sister’s best friend. They were nice, could hold a conversation, and were interesting people. I’m glad because Katie decided to sleep on me the entire 2 and 1/2 hour drive.

After what felt like an eternity, we made it to the outlet mall. We unloaded everybody, and dispersed just how I said earlier. Me and Katie went off, shopped, and got done as quickly as possible. We had a good while to just sit in the car with the heater on while we waited for everybody to get done.

Once everyone was done, we all had to decide on a place to eat. I was fine with wherever, so they decided on some place called Spaghetti Warehouse or something. Spaghetti is cool, I can dig it. So we loaded up the cars and headed off.

What I didn’t realize was that it was 50 minutes in the opposite direction of home. Another thing I’ll mention: the farther I am from home, the more uncomfortable I feel. So I all i could think about was the potential for something going wrong as we got further and further from home.

We FINALLY arrive at this place and there’s a 2 hour wait. Obviously we weren’t going to wait that long, so we went down to someplace else. Hour and a half wait. Onto the NEXT place, some sports bar place. It was fine, took forever to get our food, though.

Around 8:30pm was when we FINALLY finished eating and were ready to make the trek home. Except the girls in my car wanted to stop in this Victoria’s Secret at a nearby mall before we left.

F u c k.

Not that I had a problem with going in a VS, I just wanted to get home at this point. We go, spend like an hour in that place, and now WE are finally about to head home.

This is where shit gets real.

Katie’s sister gets a call and it’s her boyfriend and they start arguing. I’m obviously going to leave the details out because I’m not going to put her business out there. It goes on for about 20 minutes and eventually the car is just silent and uncomfortable. She asked Katie if she would take over driving so she could calm down and collect herself.

They switch seats and now Katie is driving. Now, anytime SHE drives, it’s an experience. Loud music and not really being sure if you’re about to die or not. No more than 10 minutes of her driving, we notice a weird noise from the engine. We turn down the music and it sounds bad. Katie then tells us “uhh, the gas pedal isn’t working.”

We’re forced to pullover and we can see smoke come from the engine, we figured we just overheated or something. Out of nowhere this guy comes up to our window and yells at us,

“YOUR CAR IS ON FIRE, POP THE HOOD AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!”

I N S T A N T   P A N I C   M O D E

I grab everything I could hold and jumped out of the car. Now seems like a good time to give you guys some vital information. It’s been snowing like a damn blizzard all day. So we all jump out of the car into freezing ass winds and snow on the side of the highway.

The guy asks us if we had any water or anything, we didn’t. (is carrying a jug of water a common thing to do?) so we resort to throwing snow into the engine. Luckily it worked and the fire/smoke subsided.

I learned later that if it had been an oil fire, we probably all would have died because oil fire + water = boom. That was a little unsettling to hear but, whaddya gonna do.

So here we are, on the side of the highway, in a blizzard, sitting in a car that won’t start. That’s when all of us came to the realization that our phones have a combined battery percentage of about 15. We only have one charger, and we all know how well cars charge phones (poorly).

Katie calls AAA Roadside Assistance, and specifically requests a tow truck that can carry 4 passengers. ETA would be 40 minutes.

Great.

After sitting there for what felt like eons freezing our asses off and passing around a single charger to inform our families on what is going on, the tow truck arrives.

“That cab looks a little small” I thought to myself.

The driver comes up to us and we explain what happened to him and then we asked “how many people can you take?”

“I can only fit two of you.”

P A N I C   M O D E   V 2

Now we’re all just looking at each other trying to figure out who’s going to take a huge L and stay with the car until someone can pick us up form home. None of us wanted to do that, obviously, so we tried our hardest to convince this driver to stuff all of us in the cab.

After a few minutes we finally convinced him, so we all were about to pile in his cab when a Sheriff pulled up behind us.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

We weren’t worried about getting arrested or anything, you know, because we did nothing wrong, but now we knew there was no way he’d allow 5 people to ride in the front of a tow truck.

Here was our solution.

The tow truck driver and the Sheriff would take 2 of us each to the nearest Walmart, and from there we would have to find rides and where we needed to tow this car to.

For the record, something about riding in the back of a sheriff cruiser is scary and cool as hell at the same time. Also, I felt like a total dumbass when we got to Walmart and I tried to reach for a door handle on the inside.

Before the Sheriff left, he told us to figure out a ride and if we needed anything else to just give him a call. He finally left and the tow truck driver approached us.

“Alright, here’s the deal. I’ll take all of you where you need to go. But just know I could lose my job over this if we get pulled over.”

Thank everything that is mighty, this man is a life saver.

So here we are. A tow truck driver, and four freezing young adults stuffed into the cab of a tow truck.

For two and a half hours.

Man, and I thought the car ride UP felt like an eternity.

We finally arrive at this AAA center in a town about 20 minutes from home. Katie has one of her friends come and pick us up to take her back to her house. It’s about 2:30am at this point when we get back to Katie’s house.

It’s all over. We’re back home and safe. And then I remembered.

I have to drive home, in this unholy blizzard, in my rear-wheel drive 1998 Mustang.

My first battle getting home was driving up this hill of pure ice for about 100 feet. I got a good 3/4 of the way up before sliding hard as hell. I made it but barely.

THEN, a hill twice as big and twice as steep was next. When I say I ended up sideways by about 30 degrees both ways, I wish I was kidding. But by God I made it up and over that hill, and had a smooth rest of the way home.

Driving so slow, I didn’t get home until 3:10am. Then proceeded to sleep until 2pm the next day.

0/10 experience never leaving the house again.

That’s it for this crazy story of the everyday life of Jordan. Be sure to check out Weekly Waves Vol. 10 on Spotify and Apple Music, my picks this week were Bully by Shinedown and Three Days Grace.

Author: Jordan Miller

19 year old college student and gaming enthusiast. I post on Wednesdays.

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