The Ill-Defined Ranking of the “Official” Disney Princesses

A grown man taking a crack at ranking the official Disney princesses.

Screen Shot 2018-05-07 at 2.10.07 AM.pngThat is a picture from Disney’s website marking the 11 princesses that they recognize to be the official crew. I’m not really sure what keeps the Frozen girls or the main character from the phenomenal Moana from being on this list, but we’re gonna go with what we’ve got here. Keep in mind I’m ranking the princesses themselves, not the films, just the girls in the spotlight.

 

11. Child Who Is Beautiful and Almost Gets Murdered Because of It and Ends up Just Being a Maid

Snow_White_Clipart
aka Snow White

Her story is just a weird, kinda stupid and super messed up one. She starts out being mistreated by her step-mom, a common theme it seems. This 14 year old princess is almost murdered for being beautiful but instead becomes a maid for dwarves. Then some crazy coincidental stuff happens with her “true love” and she doesn’t die. (: But Snow White is pretty basic and boring and doesn’t do a lot other than wash dishes and sleep and love animals.

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10. Little Miss Loses Her Shoe and Falls in Love

Cinderella-Clipart-disney-princess
aka Cinderella

Cinderella is okay. She’s a mistreated step-daughter who is also hated on because of her sheer beauty. A ball is thrown to find a wife for the prince and every single female in all the land must attend. Her fairy godmother saves the day by helping her to go, where she (of course) falls in love with the prince. One lost shoe later and happily ever after. Cinderella is also quite boring and basic, she’s pretty and hated and overcomes her step mom to meet a prince. She also does chores and loves animals and doesn’t do much else.

 

 

9. Sleeping Beauty, Since That Isn’t What Snow White Was

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I couldn’t actually think of a thing to say for Aurora. She lived in a castle and was betrothed to a prince named Philip, but Maleficent who has a really cool movie of her own curses her to prick her finger and die. So 3 fairly neat fairy characters take her in to keep her safe. She gets a bump over the first 2 because of the moment where she dances with the animals in the forest and her dope color changing dress.

 

 

8. The Girl with the Tiger and Uh…

Jasmine_Pose

Jasmine is kind of lame. She’s not a basic white girl so thats cool, but she isn’t even the title character. She defies Jafar and owns a tiger, but thats about as far as it goes. Aladdin manages to meet her while she sneaks out of the palace and with a whole gaggle of characters to pose as a prince and steal her heart.

RIP Robin Williams

 

7. The Girl Who Gave up Her Voice to Defy Her Dad

Ariel-1
aka Ariel

This was my sister’s favorite when she was younger and I couldn’t figure out why. She trades her voice to an evil witch to defy her dad and try to woo a human prince. She literally doesn’t even speak for a lot of the film and when she does she’s portraying a beautiful singing voice and whining. Her obsession with human objects is definitely cool, but the best part about Ariel are her 3 animal friends.

Flounder-Sebastian-and-Scuttle-The-Little-Mermaid
(From left to right) Scuttle, Sebastian, & Flounder

 

 

6. Girl Tangled

Rapunzel_pose
aka Rapunzel

So Rapunzel has this dream of seeing these lanterns that her home kingdom releases on her birthday every year since she was kidnapped, but she doesn’t actually know that they are for her cause the scary witch lady posing to be her mom is like nah fam, so the criminal guy who just wants the tiara he stole from the castle that actually belongs to Rapunzel takes her to see them, thus leading to a happy ending…eventually. That was kind of a mouthful, I never realized how complex the plot to Tangled is. Rapunzel is cool though, a frying pan wielding, chameleon owning,  pleasant voiced princess who doesn’t take any crap. Solid.

 

 

5. The One That Could Read

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aka Belle

Belle is a smart, beautiful and compassionate girl. She cares for her father and the Beast and all the weird furniture people. Her dad gets lost in the woods and ends up as the Beast’s prisoner, Belle goes to take his place, this leads to the townsfolk marching on the Beast and his cursed castle which ends in a dramatic fight to the death between villainous Gaston and anti-hero Beast. Belle reads a lot and is fairly hard headed, these are modern traits unlike lying down and mopping the floor waiting for prince charming to waltz by. Belle is a great princess for sure.

 

 

4. Fictional Pocahontas

Pocahontas01

Very loosely based on the real Pocahontas, this version has amazing songs and determination. In the movie she wants to meet with the white man and come together with her true love John Smith. She is brave, adventurous and free-spirited, all great qualities for a female role model. However, the real life counterpart is a much more depressing tale.

 

 

3. Mulan

Mulan_disney

Mulan is pretty awesome. She secretly takes the place of her father as the man from her family to go to war. She plays a huge role with her dragon family guardian in saving the empire and is rewarded as such.

 

 

2. Tiana

Princess-tianapromotional_art

I love Tiana. I love Princess and the Frog. She’s hard working, determined, strong willed, beautiful, thoughtful and all around amazing. As a child she dreamt of owning a restaurant with her hard working father. With her exceptional skills in cooking she works several restaurant jobs to save up enough money to buy the restaurant herself after her father passed. Despite having enough money, the realtor agents decide not to sell to her because of her skin color. So she goes out on a limb kissing a frog prince hoping to gain his financial assistance once he is human again. That doesn’t work out when she ends up a frog as well. Together they must go on a trip together to cure themselves of the voodoo, in the process obviously falling in love and suffering the loss a lightning bug friend. Tiana is wonderful and was my favorite until the newest addition to the “official” princess list.

 

 

1. Merida

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What don’t I love about Merida??? She’s Scottish, she has crazy orange hair, she is a master with the bow, she has a dope horse and she’s independent. That trait is so key, she absolutely refuses to accept a suitor and get engaged. The beginning of the story is just that. She competes against the suitors to win her own hand much to the disapproval of her mother. The rest of the story is her trying to save her mother (that she cursed) and gaining her mother’s acceptance. Merida is great and Brave is absolutely phenomenal. Number 1 on my list without a doubt, even if the other girls had been included, she would still be number 1.

 

I hope you liked my ill-defined rankings and I hope you come back to read more fresh content daily from the Mid-American Culture crew.

 

My Twitter: @DrMrBurnsGuy

MAC Twitter: @M_American_C

Weekly Waves: Vol. 29

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