I Listened to the Hamburger Helper Mixtape

Loyal Mid-American Culture fans may remember my review of the Wendy’s mixtape from a while back. Well, it was recently brought to my attention that We Beefin’ was not the first beef-based rap mixtape released (beef as in the meat, not a feud…). That distinction belongs to Hamburger Helper, who released a 14-minute mixtape with five tracks in 2016. So, in order to do all mixtapes ordered by corporate shills and cobbled together by hungry artists justice, I gave it a listen.

Ok, before I go any further, I should mention that Watch the Stove (yes, that’s actually what it’s called) was released as an April Fool’s Day prank in 2016. So, any cheesiness is fully intentional.

Screen Shot 2018-07-17 at 3.30.04 AM

This shit sucked. Like it sucked really bad. Like, damn, We Beefin’ sounds like the Wu-Tang Clan compared to this shit.

The mixtape features a number of different artists on each track. Such gems one can find on Watch the Stove include “In Love With the Glove,” a song about a woman who falls in love with Lefty. For those of you who don’t know who Lefty is (presumably most of you), here’s a picture of him.

d8fbd90cb7a8e0eb738f0fefed132c20.300x300x1
Best love song ever written

As if that weren’t ridiculous enough, the singer in this track is putting tons of passion and effort into his vocal performance. This takes an awkward and stupid song and elevates it to cringy and painful status.

Another wonderful selection is “Food For the Soul,” which isn’t even explicitly about Hamburger Helper at all, and doesn’t even name drop the brand, or any particular food, for that matter. Whoever worked on this song was recruited to perform on a Hamburger Helper mixtape and provided a song about remaining optimistic and appreciating the simpler things in life. Whether or not that deserves admiration, however, I’m unsure.

The only song on this abomination that made me laugh was “Crazy,” and it occurred during the intro hook, which featured the following lyrics sung in an Andre-3000-esque performance:

“Some call me crazy, that might be true

Cause if you take my Hamburger Helper

I don’t know what I might do”

Watch the Stove, 2016

The worst track on here, by far, was a track simply titled “Hamburger Helper,” featuring rapper Retro Spectro. Instead of explaining why this almost gave me an aneurysm, I’ll just list some of his word salad:

“Swervin’ swervin’ switchin lanes

Hamburger on my brain

Dreads long like a train (???)

If I’m old I use a cane”

Watch the Stove, 2016

 

But wait, there’s more!

“Every year I have a birthday

Every year I get a cake

I don’t have to eat it all

I just have to eat some”

Watch the Stove, 2016

 

And best of all:

“Ay, keep y’all cheeks protected

Cause we out here collecting ’em like bottle caps

And you don’t want anything to happen to yours”

Watch the Stove, 2016

And the 2016 Grammy Award for Best Rap Performance goes to, Retro Spectro! Well deserved, my friend.

Screen Shot 2018-07-17 at 4.05.27 AM

Ok, I’m sorry. Like I mentioned with We Beefin’, I can’t imagine that any of these performers ever expected to perform on a food-related project, especially Hamburger Helper of all things. Additionally, I certainly can’t blame them for not cranking out a tour-de-force just for it to go viral for a couple days as an April Fools Joke and then fade into obscurity. I can give all these guys a slide in that regard, but that doesn’t make the project any better or any more listenable. Watch the Stove had way fewer funny moments, was less self-aware, and was longer than We Beefin’, which all combine to make it almost unbearable. Sorry Hamburger Helper, but I think this should’ve stayed in the dark recesses of the pantry.

Thank you all so much for reading, and make sure you check out all the other content here at Mid-American Culture. Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter (@M_American_C), and check out our weekly playlist. If you gave this travesty a listen, let me know what you thought in the comments. As always, see you all next week!

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